I should probably appreciate these online dating services a
little more. Instead of trying to inch
your way into a girl’s “trust circle” or whatever, you know right away what
she’s like and what she’s looking for.
Isn’t that basically what I’ve been begging for for years? I’ve always wanted a streamlined approach to
dating. Well, this is it. Of course, it still does me no good. It is no easier for me to pursue a woman over
the Internet than it is out in public.
Their profiles lay it all out there in such a way that I’m just as
intimidated as normal. It feels like
applying to college all over again: nervous and hopeful. Why is it so intimidating? Let us explore the female profiles of
Match.com.
Screen
name
Okay, this actually has nothing to do with the contents of the profile itself,
but I read a lot into your display name.
If you call yourself KoolCalmCollected then you’re probably not. Sassygrl38, you probably think you’re more
important than you are. I’m not going
near anything like CrazyCatWoman. What’s
wrong with Jen9874562? It’s simple,
useless, and better yet it hasn’t compelled me to skip your profile.
Everybody is supposed to put on of these on
their profile. It’s like a
headline. Frankly, it’s useless. But when I read one that’s a quote from a
funny movie, my heart beat speeds up a bit.
Photos
Let’s be honest.
This is what everyone is looking at first. Don’t deny it. You have to be attracted to somebody to hit
it off. Yes they have to have a
beautiful soul, but c’mon a pretty face goes a long way. I’m glad you went hiking in some Asian
mountain range, but don’t show me a picture of you from so far away. I’m glad you have fun on your girls’ nights,
but don’t show me a picture of you from so far away. Beach pictures are strong. Formal wear pictures are strong. Selfies, even if you’re really attractive,
are not strong. Especially when you post
18 of them. Of course, everyone puts
their best face on the site. First impressions
are important. I just don’t know how old
these pictures are. You’re posting this:
But are you really more like Adele? I’m sorry.
Catfish has ruined the whole thing for everybody. Whatever you do, please don’t post a picture
of just your pet without you in it. Just
don’t.
The “About Me” Paragraph
This is where all the fun starts. These girls tell you about themselves – in a
lot of cases ALL about themselves – and what they are looking for in a
mate. This is obviously the ultimate
salesperson angle. This is where they
rope you in. Not one tells the whole
truth. Of course, no one is going tell
everything right away. They shouldn’t.
After cycling through a couple hundred profiles, though, I get the sense
there are a lot of really great girls
out there. I’m sure their all sweet as a
peach. A common sentence opening is “People
tell me I’m…” Just say it: “I KNOW I am
the kindest, gentlest, most athletic blah blah blah of all time.” Don’t be coy.
This is Match. Let yourself real
self shine. Just try to do it in 1-2 short
paragraphs. This isn’t a dissertation on
why the uncertainty of Match.com is a thrilling adventure on your quest to find
true love.
I will say I do get jazzed when the women like the
sports. It’s a total bonus. A lot of them do because I specified that I
like sports on my settings. Match sends
you the same kinds of girls every day. They
are so adept at finding the perfect match for you, they send you hundreds of
matches that are the exact same. Every
match I’ve gotten has been into sports, loves to travel, and loves to
laugh. Those are all great things, but
variety is the spice of life. Throw me a
curveball now and then.
Then they talk about what they are looking for in a
guy. Someone who can make them laugh
(check), is passionate about what they do (work - check minus; other activities
– check); adventurous (um, okay, check), confident (ehhhh), and active
(fail). But okay. At this point I’m still hanging in there.
The Deets
After the written portion of the test comes the list
of Interests, Pets, School, and general faves.
This section doesn’t really make or break anything. Most normal people have the same interests. Most normal people like dogs better than
cats. Though I gotta say, where they
went to school may be the one road block in the whole series of
categories. If you went to Duke, I
really just don’t know if that would work out.
As passionate as I am about hating Duke, I can’t be having you counter that
with an undying passion for loving them.
That might be the deal breaker.
Fandom rules all. Oh, also if you’re
really religious, we don’t have a chance in Lucifer’s hell.
Specs
The specifications section is where it usually
unravels. First listed is Height. Most women claim to be looking for a tall man
(check and mate) so that’s good. If they’re
tall, I’m looking at their profile just a little longer. Then comes the ever-depressing, ever-matchsifting
category of Body Type. Eighty-five percent
(I made up that number) of my matches prefer a man that’s “slender” or “athletic
and toned” with some “average” sprinkled in.
Hey ladies, everyone wants someone who is athletic and toned. It’s no secret those people are sexier. You just don’t have to be an asshole about
it. I have myself listed as “a few extra
pounds.” In reality, I’m probably pretty
average amongst males my age. I’m just
letting them know up front I’m not going to be looking like this anytime soon:
I know what you’re thinking. The reverse is the same thing. Men are looking for the toned chick with the
flat stomach. Yeah, that’d be awesome,
but I’m not using it as a filtering mechanism to reduce the number of women I
can view. It takes all kind,
ladies. Have a heart. Needless to say, when I see that they want
someone “athletic and toned,” I move on.
Not that I couldn’t get a date with her.
I could just do without the looks of disappointment when we meet face to
face. I move on a lot.
Then there’s Eye Color, which no one is too picky
about. Then comes Hair Color. If you list specific hair color, then you are
someone with quite a discriminating taste.
And if you don’t have Salt and Pepper listed, then F you. I’m sorry my mature, distinguished look is
too “has-been” for you.
Then it’s if you Smoke, if you Drink, what you do for
a living. GASP. Then Income.
If you list something above my pay grade then you can seriously go F
yourself. I know this is D.C. and there
are a lot of smart, successful people here, tons of them women. But there’s no need to out yourself as a
golddigger erstwhile emasculating me for my professional choices. If your preference is out of my range I’ll
move on, but this time with anger in lieu of dejection.
Then there’s have you been married or not and if you
have kids and if you want them. I
realize most women do. No problems
there. Then comes Ethnicity. This is an interesting one. People obviously have their preferences, but
if you list one specific race is it wrong that at least for a split second I’ve
considered you might be a racist? You
probably just are attracted to one race, and that’s fine. But it’s 2013. Live a little. You won’t end up like Annabella Sciorra and
Wesley Snipes in Jungle Fever. It’s a
different time. Nobody cares anymore.
Then there’s Faith.
Blah, no one cares about that.
Language – everyone speaks at least English, no biggie. Then finally, there’s Education. It
would appear that for the womenfolk, a Bachelor’s degree will suffice. Phew.
Dodged a bullet there.
Do I seem jaded and over-reactionary? OF
COURSE. For someone who has no business judging others without knowing them, I sure do have a lot of gripes. What did I tell ya? The fact that these profiles zero-in is as
gut-wrenching as going in blind. And
there are a looooot of beautiful women on these sites. Many of them live in Arlington. Pair the good looks with the Perfect Match
Criteria, and it seems like only Justin Timberlake will make these women
happy. This is obviously false. There are plenty of eligible ladies that like
my style. I’m sure of it. I just need their profiles to tell me
so. Bluntly.
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