The Bananas World of Online Dating, Part III: What My Match.com Profile Should Really Say

In reality, my Match.com profile says something sappy and half-genuine.  If these “personal bios” were as truthful as some overly forthcoming members make them, mine would go something like this:

I’m on here because I’m staring 30 in the face, and we are nearing do-or-die time.  Aren’t you getting sick of all the questions too?

Anyway, I am born and raised in Silver Spring.  I have lived all over Montgomery County, bouncing around from place to place about every year or two just to keep things fresh.   I currently work at a dead-end job that I hate so much, I bring jolly people down just by talking about it.  I’m embarrassed to tell you where I work, so don’t ask.  I do make OK money, so we would be able to go out for a nice evening here and there.  But I don’t make elite, educated D.C. money, so temper your long-term expectations.  I am currently not in grad school and do not plan to go to grad school.  At 29, I finally think I might have a career path, but my motivation is slight at best.  I have one shot at making it work, so cross your fingers for me J.

I enjoy movies and TV to the tune of 4 hours a day.  I tend to speak in movie quotes and make references that few understand, so if you get them, you’re in.  I have an unhealthy love for D.C. sports teams (and the Orioles) and sports in general.  I constantly have to be nose-deep in sports alerts and articles.  My conversations about sports may involve so much minutiae, that you may feel left out.  But if you can keep up, we can get married. 

I’m not Fat Bastard, but I’m never going to be Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love.  I’ll probably never take my shirt off at concerts.  I go to the gym around four times a week.  Not because I’m a gym rat, but because I need to keep from adding additional weight.   I like to play pickup basketball but can really only rebound.  I can be active, but generally lying in bed for most of the weekend works for me.  Usually doing something active means finding a new lingering injury that I wouldn’t have fathomed four years ago. 

I go out for happy hours and on the weekends to get near-blackout hammered with my friends.  Then I eat for a family of four before a snore fest of a slumber.  The day after, I enjoy a heavy meal like pancakes at a diner or Chipotle.  I prefer to nap it off so I feel refreshed.  I like to try new things within reason.  I’ll probably never run with the bulls with you or cliff dive in Central America.  I’ve only been to two countries outside of the U.S.  I know it’s hard to believe someone hasn’t traveled as much as you have, but that is the case with me.  I would love to travel more.  I get to veto any places you pick that I don’t want to go to.

I aspire to be proud of what I do, live a happy life with friends and family, and see every Jason Statham movie ever made.  My significant other should be happy with her life as well and be an individual as well as part of our relationship.  She should also laugh at Chris Farley and appreciate off-color humor. 

You’ll notice most of my pictures are of me in a suit - that’s when I shine bright like a diamond.  I threw in that picture of me as Buddy the Elf just to prove to you that I can make you laugh.  I’m grayer at 29 than most 45-year-olds, and I’m banking on you thinking it’s distinguished and sexy.  I don’t care enough to dye it.  I have a winning smile and a good sense of humor.  Most of all, you should know that I will put you on a pedestal so high, the air will be too thin for you to breathe.  I will do my best to take care of you, dote on you, and make you believe that I am the best guy for you.  That’s always my goal.  I will attempt to be uber-romantic - unsuccessfully sometimes - to make you feel more special than a 2-for-1 sale.  I will pamper you and provide nice things as long as my money will allow.  I love to go out to nice meals and finish yours on the spot if you get too full.  I seek Best Couple Ever status.  We’d be so cute that that’s all anybody could talk about.  I’m always trying to have a good time.  Let’s do it together.  If you think you’d be interested in acquiring my debt, holler at me.