Weekend in Review: Feb. 8-10

This weekend could not have more opposite of a go-out-and-get-some weekend.  I spent 19 hours in a sleep study.  Nothing is sexier than a man with wires attached to every inch of his face, paste in his hair, and a closing windpipe while he slumbers.  Sleep disorders are the new graduate degrees.  Total turn on. Not only did I do the overnight sleep study, but they also evaluated a daytime narcolepsy test.  So I’m in a doctor’s office, disguised as a creepy bedroom you might find in a PG-13 horror movie, all day with some gentleman that reminded me of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof.

Needless to say my Friday and Saturday were shot.  But in a lot of ways the sleep study was similar to a weekend dating experience.  First and foremost, you spend a lot of time in your room and your bed alone.  See it’s already starting to add up. 

If you analyze it a little further, it’s a constant evaluation of your every move and quite literally your every breath.  It sort of feels like the first impression you’re trying to leave for your date.  She is eyeing you up and down, noticing everything you’re doing, and trying to decide if she thinks you and her are compatible.  She is determining if what you say is the right thing, the wrong thing, the unhealthy thing, or the abnormal thing.  All of this is determined over the course of a few short hours.  Whether it be a date or a sleep study, the end yields the same result:  you’re exhausted.  The whole thing was kind of awkward.  You’re glad you did it, but now you have to wait and see what happens next.  If the diagnosis was that you indeed have a disorder, but she can live with it, then it’s time for the CPAP machine.  The CPAP machine is the steady relationship of sleep disorder apparatuses.  You need each other.  And you go to bed together every night.

Upon leaving the study, I was left confused and pissed off.  I realized how much I will have spent on such an endeavor.  It’ll take me a little while to determine how successful or unsuccessful said event was.  I drive a get a big meal to eat my frustrations.  This is generally the aftermath of an imperfect date for me as well.  Still, I am glad I did it.  Because I have to know if I have something. 

So see, my miserable, pent-up sleep study weekend actually resembled the structure of a date.  My life is relatable in all aspects.  Then I watched the Grammys on Sunday night.  If that isn’t the biggest letdown of all the awards shows.  Everybody who you want to win loses.  The only redeeming thing is the collaborative performances.  And despite the new “proper clothing” rule, you just can’t keep your eyes off the ladies that show off their…trophies.